A Love Like Ours
by Buff82
Summary: "A love like ours eats you up inside in the worst and the best ways.  It takes over, owning everything about you.  It'll turn you into a complete stranger; force you to be at your best, or supply you the excuse to fall the farthest..." E/B AH OOC Rated M
1. Prologue

**A/N: For now this is unbeta'd. My apologies for the appalling grammar. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p><strong>Prologue <strong>

"_On the first page of our story the future seemed so bright." -love the way you lie part 2_

**bpov**

I was running late for my first day, and was beyond frazzled. I'd over slept my alarm and had to skip my shower as a result. Doing the best I could with my frizzy bed-head, I threw on some make-up and the clothes I'd thankfully set aside the previous night, and ran out of my apartment.

It took me ten minutes to drive the typical fifteen to the hospital. I parked without paying attention to whether the spot was reserved or not, and took off for the front entrance, barreling through the automatic doors.

I was volunteering for the summer before I started college - something my mom said would look excellent on my records. I'd done it at home in Phoenix for the past three summers, and decided one last summer wouldn't be a big deal. This year I am in Forks, Washington with my father, so he secured me a place at the local hospital.

It was much smaller than the one I'd worked in before, but I thought it might be nice- quaint. I'd missed the orientation day though because of a surprise graduation trip my mother took me on. So as I stand just inside I realize I have no clue where to go.

Everything is so white and clean. There are only a few people dotting the hallways. I search for someone who looks helpful as I wander deeper into the building. That's when I see him. Leaning against a bright white wall, he stands out like a streak of gold. His bronze, tousled hair is unruly but perfect for his features. Sharp lines pronounce his eyes and nose, a strong jaw line curves into his neck, which looks soft and supple in comparison.

I realize I'm staring. I look away belatedly, but he's already spotted me. I just catch the small smirk he gives before my focus glues to the floor. I can feel him approach. For some inexplicable reason my fingers itch to reach out to him, so I bury them in the pockets of my sweater.

"Did you need some help Miss?" He asks with the manners of a young gentleman, his voice creamy and gentle.

"I, um … am supposed to be starting today. Volunteer," is all I can gurgle out. My checks burn all the way to my ears. Glancing at him from the corner of my eye, the dazzling smile that lights his whole face garners my full attention. My face lifts up towards him like he's the sun. I smile back.

His smile is radiant. "Wonderful, I'm volunteering too, I'll show you where to sign in." He steps away, gesturing to have me follow but pauses abruptly and turns back. I nearly smack into him, but catch myself just in time.

"I'm Edward by the way."

"Bella," I say with a nod.

His grin widens impossibly more, "Very nice to meet you - Bella."

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><p><strong>AN: This was originally intended to be a one shot for the 'A Love Like Fire' contest, but I couldn't finish it in time. (boo) But I like it so I'm posting it. (yay) It's since morphed into a story, so I'll be posting it in chapters. We'll see where it goes. **


	2. One

**A/N: This was all orignially a single o/s I'm splitting up. Becasue I'm impatient it's still not beta'd, so sorry. (Dear Kat, please don't kill me for this mess. I am turning it over to you to polish up I promise. I need you. PTB. bear=me [hearts])**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p><strong>One.<strong>

"_Then this thing turned out so evil I don't know why I'm still surprised." -love the way you lie part 2_

**epov**

"_I have trust issues Edward…" _

Bella had warned me of this just days into our relationship as she opened up about her past. Revealing how she had her heart crushed once before. She was emphatic about the fact that she was 'broken' and wouldn't ever be normal. It had felt as if she were trying to push me away then. Now sometimes I look back at that conversation and wish I had listened. Heeded her warning and just walked away. I was so lost though; lost in the softness of her cheek under my fingers, lost in the warmness of her eyes. Lost to her completely the moment she walked into the hospital and I'd seen her.

My world changed forever, things were brighter, I felt whole and sturdy. With Bella in my life I felt invincible. She made me laugh; made my heart swell and my toes feel funny. I couldn't let that go, not in a million years.

I can't be bitter or blame myself for not listening then. There were no signs to back up her claims, just a silly, beautiful girl who couldn't really see how much she was worth. In my eyes she was priceless, but those sentiments were lost on her.

That was two years ago.

When I'm with Bella now it's like I'm split into two people; a man starving for her - all of her, one who would fade away if she were gone, and one who feels both suffocated and pushed away by her.

When I asked her out initially I was so god damn nervous because I'd never felt the earth shift the way it had when I first laid eyes on her. I couldn't stop watching her, there was this undeniable pull that yanked at my heart. It was almost painful. I was terrified she would turn me down and I would be devastated. But she said yes, as she avoided eye contact and twisted her fingers around her hair.

Our connection was so intense immediately, and still is - physically and mentally. The first time I touched her hand it took my breath away. Her fingers fit perfectly between mine, and the gentle warmth relaxed me. I felt at home with her before I even knew who she was. We were inseparable after that. Always together, always touching, always kissing. We were consumed by one another.

The first time we made love I felt like my heart might explode inside my chest. Her hands on my body drove me crazy, we were ravenous and wanting. Touching and tasting all we could, it was all too much - only not nearly enough.

Two years is a long time in a relationship. Things inevitably change as people change and grow - whether it's together or apart is entirely up to you. Bella and I have grown like a gnarly twisting tree that can't decide what it wants. We are so intertwined that most of the time I think it can't be healthy.

The fact of the matter is Bella is no good for me, but I would die without her.

"What are you thinking about?" Her soft voice breaks my concentration from counting the tiles of the kitchen floor. I shrug in response, unable to speak yet. We are in the middle of yet another fight, and I'm doing my best to keep calm. I've learned counting helps - for a bit. Dragging in a slow breath, I raise my eyes to her finally. She looks worn down, although she is the one on the offence. Her eyes are tired, slight circles darkening the delicate skin just below them. Sometimes I think in her efforts to be right she ends up wearing herself down during these fights.

"It really was nothing Bella," I repeat for the fortieth time in the past half an hour. Her weary eyes flash with annoyance, her hands fitted to her hips as if a permanent fixture.

"Nothing? Really? Just because you keep saying that Edward doesn't make it true," she spits with such venom I flinch.

I can feel it in me - the anger, the resentment that she does this. I hate it, and it makes me hate her. I do my best to control it, but it simmers like acid at my insides, eating away at me and she is fucking relentless. Shaking my head, I exhale and look away. "It was just a conversation." I state as plainly as my volcanic emotions allow.

Her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. "Just a conversation?" she repeats incredulously. "Since when does flirting constitute _just a conversation_?" She quips, mocking my tone and I am so fucking done.

Standing abruptly, the small kitchen chair tips, slapping loudly against the floor. I tower over her small frame, but she stands toe to toe with me, enraged at my actions and glowering at me with such intense malice. "It. Was. Just. A. Conversation." I bark at her loudly. "Just because she happened to be a woman doesn't mean she was flirting - or that _I_ was flirting. She was asking me about where I got my watch for her husband for Christ sake Bella!" I erupt breathlessly, I can feel the lava flooding through my veins now, blinding me. All I see is white hot anger.

"But I saw you!" she screams, the shrill nature of her tone grating on my nerves ten-fold. "You were smiling and laughing, and she … she touched your arm!" She tugs my right arm as if to illustrate her point, I yank it away. I can't stand her touching me right now.

Closing my eyes I count in my head again, pinching the bridge of my nose to ward of the headache that looms. I can't keep doing this. I can't perpetuate the matter and act like a child, but I can't always be the adult in the situation either. "When are you going to get over this," I mutter more to myself, but Bella hears me.

She laughs humorously. "Get over what? Wanting someone who is faithful and doesn't flirt with anything that has a vagina?"

Bella says this to hurt me; she knows it's a lie as much as I do, but it stings nonetheless. My hand balls into a fist at my side, my eyes clench shut tighter. The overwhelming urge to smack her is not foreign to me - she always seems to push me to this point. I've never tipped past the urge, but the fact that is in me at all I would have never thought possible, and it scares the shit out of me.

"Is that what you want Edward? For me to get over my issues so you can be free to fuck whoever you want? Then by all means -"

My hands move on their own accord, gripping her by the shoulders forcefully. I am shaking with the rage that is frantically trying to escape my body. "Stop it!" The scream emits from deep in my belly, and it sounds furious and desperate. For once, Bella looks shocked; her mouth closes with a light pop, her wide eyes stare back at me.

"I don't want that Bella, I've never wanted that! Why?" I plead with her, my hands shaking her shoulders lightly. My fingers dig into her soft flesh, my body still quaking with anger. "Why do you say those things? Don't you know I would never … I could never … you are all I have _ever_ wanted."

Dropping my hands from her shoulders, I slump down to the floor, resting my forehead against my palms. Angry, hopeless tears sting my eyes; I feel trapped, my head spins.

The situation is an impossible one, nothing has gotten better. In all this time she hasn't wavered in the slightest from these ridiculous notions. I'm a caged bird too accustomed to the bars. It's confusing and maddening. My mind sloshes with a storm of soggy, furious thoughts; knee-jerk reactions, and unspoken fears of the future. I want out, but I don't want to leave Bella behind.

Her soft whimpering settles around me like a thick blanket of guilt. Looking up from my hands I see her slouched on the floor in front of me, face buried in her own hands. This has been a bad one, she doesn't usually end up in tears - only when it's really bad.

Our fights are never over anything founded, or real - it's all in Bella's head. In fact, I don't think we've ever had a genuine argument in our two years together.

A huge part of Bella's lack of self worth is that she is fundamentally insecure. In turn, she has a jealous streak that can be vicious. It affects us both, and as much as I hate having to put up with it, I think it causes more damage to her in the long run.

It frustrates me beyond imagine, I feel so fucking helpless. All I want is to take this from her, all of it, the insecurity that causes her to hate herself and be suspicious of me. I've never done anything to cause her to believe I would ever be unfaithful, but I may as well have. In Bella's mind there's always a justifiable reason to feel the way that she does.

Slowly, I scoot across the floor, closing the gap between us. When I place my hand gently on her shoulder she jerks away. She has the upper hand now and she knows it. When she breaks down I can't handle it, all the anger leaves and I just want to make it better.

It doesn't normally bother me until the dust has settled and I realize exactly how things played out. But today is different. I grind my teeth together, glaring at the top of her head. She started this shit for no reason at all, I should not be the one to patch things up. Emmett would be pissing his pants laughing right now, calling me a pussy, and he'd be right.

My big brother has tried to talk some sense into me on more than one occasion. My entire family has seen what Bella does to me - how much we affect each other. But they'll never understand that it's not that simple, that I could never just leave her … that she is a part of me.

"Isabella," I growl. "Why do you do this to yourself? You're torturing yourself."

Her little shoulders stop heaving as her sobs dissipate. She looks up with watery eyes. Red splotches highlight her nose and eyes. "Because it's going to happen."

Those words- just a simple sentence - strike me hard, rattling my foundation. In that moment I am so utterly distraught and enraged, my teeth grind harder together. "What is going to happen?" I ask, but I don't need to, I know what her answer will be - same as always.

"You'll find someone else," she whimpers, and my heart fractures a little more. Over the years I've felt it, little by little, cracking and breaking away. I fear there isn't much left and wonder what would happen if it crumbled completely. Would I just simply not care any longer? If she knew that would she stop this insanity? I sigh softly, because I know the answer is no - I've tried to tell her, it makes no difference.

I try softening my tone, "I just told you - you're all I want." _Pussy._

"That's what you think, but you just don't know any better!" She yells, tears slipping down her cheeks. "You should have better Edward. It makes no sense that you're stuck with me."

"I'm not stuck," I reply defensively. "I need you Bella."

To my utter shock, this has the opposite desired effect. Bella narrows her eyes at me, setting her jaw. "No you don't. Don't you dare say that. You don't _need_ me - I don't have anything to offer you!" She springs up, hands in her hair, pacing in a tight circle. Dumbfounded, I watch her from my spot on the floor, entirely clueless what to say.

"This isn't good, it's… this is not good," she begins to ramble. "You deserve better, and all I do is fight with you and create problems that don't exist."

I groan into my hand, rubbing it hard against my face. The only time Bella seems to realize, or at least acknowledge the truth is when it suits her. It's unbelievably annoying.

"Bella, please stop," I mumble, suddenly exhausted.

"No Edward, you have to hear this," she pauses to wipe under her eyes. Her hands are shaking which catches my attention. It's not her typical pissy, shit-stirring demeanor. Her whole body is trembling, something is truly bothering her. My stomach plummets and I feel nauseous all of a sudden. There is an odd static in the air prickling at my skin- I don't like it.

"You are miserable Edward. You don't think I see that?" Her tone is soft, regretful. "I know it's entirely my fault. I make you crazy, and I just keep doing it, and doing it, and I can't stop!" She rakes her hands through her hair in frustration before they fall loosely to her sides. Her eyes find mine and my chest tightens painfully at her expression. She looks devastated.

"I love you Edward, more than I can even begin to express. After Jake I …" she trails, a single tear catches the curve of her cheek gliding along her nose. "… I just know I was so lucky to find you, and that you put up with me. But you deserve better."

She'd said it to me a thousand times before, always as a jab to prove her point that I would undoubtedly find someone else, just as she had earlier. But this is different. There was no arrogance when she said it, no hint of venom. She sounded resigned, resolved to the fact. A chill runs down my spine like a lazy serpent.

"I deserve _you_," I whisper.

"Edward… I can't … I can't do this anymore. To you … to myself…"

I'd felt a rift, these past few months especially; our fights had gotten worse and more frequent. But never did I expect she would head the direction she just did. Isolation freezes through my bones, I feel immediately alone, as if she were already gone. Wrapping my arms around my chest, I try desperately to keep the pieces of myself together that threatened to break away.

"Bella, don't," my voice breaks around her name.

"I have to," she murmurs, her eyes falling to her hands. "Someone has to."

My body moves, but my mind is floating in slow motion, struggling to process what's happening. I pull Bella down into my arms, resting her body in my lap, and bury my face in her neck. Her scent surrounds me, my hands smooth through her soft hair. I kiss her shoulder. "I need you. Please Bella."

A sob escapes her throat, her body still trembles in my arms. "I need you too Edward, but I can't be selfish anymore."

"You are talking nonsense," I try, but my words fall flat. I know she is making perfect sense, just nothing my heart or my soul wants to hear.

"We need time Edward, we need to step back. I need to. You should have better, and if it's going to be from me then I have to figure some things out."

That was the most honest and truthful thing perhaps she has ever said to me, but I can't stop the words that fumble from my mouth.

"No, Bella, we can figure it out together, please." Her shirt is damp beneath my face from my own tears. I hold her tighter, praying I will never have to let go. Her thin arms wrap around my back and squeeze. It feels like a goodbye, and that last piece of my heart cracks, falling away into nothingness. Desperation takes hold.

My hands cup her face. "No," I moan against her then do the only thing I can think to in that moment when words aren't nearly enough. Our lips meet; hers are soft with the taste of salty tears. This is a language we've always spoken flawlessly. Our body's communicated in a way that couldn't be misconstrued or contested. I feel each fragile line and dimple of her lips against mine. I've mesmerized the pattern, know exactly where the softest parts are. "I need you," I breathe into her mouth.

Her fingers grip into my shirt, her nails leave marks on my skin but I don't care. _Mark me, I'm yours_. "Always yours," I mumble. Something trips in her. Bella's hands are everywhere, pulling me to her, suddenly eager. I follow suit, a rush of emotion flooding my senses.

My shirt is pulled over head. Her hands find the dips and curves of my back muscles. She steals my breath with her hungry kiss, as my skin catches fire under her touch. Tears still stream done my face, mingling with our kiss. My hands snake under Bella's shirt, finding her breasts I knead them roughly. She moans into me, arching her back and pressing the soft flesh harder against my palms.

Pulling away, we both gasp for air, my lungs burn from lack of oxygen. My lips find her neck. I bite the supple flesh, pulling it between my teeth. My mouth glides along her skin, capturing her earlobe. Bella groans loudly, squirming against me. "You can't leave me," I hiss, the angry tone catching even me off guard.

Without allowing any more space between us, I stand, lifting Bella up. Eyes squeezed tightly shut, I kiss and nip her flesh, gripping her by the hips until her back hit's a wall. I have no clue if we've moved from the kitchen, but I don't give a shit.

Clumsily, I fight with the button of her jeans, my mouth never leaving her skin. I keep my eyes closed out of fear. I don't want to see sadness on her face, in those beautiful brown eyes - I can't take it. But as I find her lips again I can taste it there.

I try to make it go away. "You are everything to me Bella. You are my reason for life." A sob catches in the back of her throat, but I swallow it with my kiss. Her fingers lithely slip the button loose on my pants that fall recklessly to the floor. My hands tangle in her hair, pulling her face away from mine.

For the first time I open my eyes, drowning in a sea of rich, golden-brown. Without a word, I watch her face as I slip inside. Bella's eyes roll back slightly, but she quickly locks her gaze to mine again.

I grunt at the sensation of being fully inside her, her walls clenching around me. "Do you feel that Bella? We belong together."

She hums, nodding her head as I pull back slightly. Her mouth falls open, head tips back against the wall and I push back into her. She cries out, tightening her legs around my waist, her nails digging into my biceps.

With each pass of my hips, Bella's muscles flex against my hard length, squeezing me. The warmth is amazing, my entire body buzzes at the feeling. I pant into her hair, quickening my motions. Bella groans loudly, bucking her hips into me. I slam into her forcefully, releasing all the anger, and hate, and bitterness. I want it out - to release it all.

I pump harder and faster, Bella's slow moans turn to cries of pleasure. That's all I want for her, happiness and pleasure, for the rest of her life. Why can't she just let me give her that?

"You can't leave me," I huff. She grunts in response. "Say it." She says nothing - only a light moan crosses her lips. My hips freeze, my cock hovering just outside her entrance, yearning for the warmth again. I need her to look at me. I need her to say it.

Her eyes open, locking with mine as she gasps for air. "Say it, say you'll never leave me," I repeat.

Her nails dig deeper into my arms, a stinging pain against my skin is only barely noticeable next to the possibility that she won't say it. That pain hovers, waiting to consume me. Swallowing hard, she finally nods. "I'll never leave you Edward." Her voice is gravely and rough, but her declaration sends a euphoric shockwave through my system. My lips crash against her, my cock pushing back into her once again. I feel rejuvenated, my movements stronger and faster still.

A fresh bout of tears stream down my cheeks. Bella's breasts heave into my chest as her panting grows frenzied. Her right hand releases my left bicep, her finger coming to my chest as she digs her nail against my skin. I glance down, biting hard into the inside of my cheek. I'm staving off my own climax, wanting this moment to last forever. I always want it to be like this with her, never again angry, or sad, or so full of hate. "I'll never leave you," she breaths heavily. I thrust into her still, but slow my motions as our eyes lock. "You have me … here." Her nail lifts from my flesh and she's left a perfectly shaped heart engraved into my skin.

Her hands move to my hips, clamping down and causing me to still my motions. Pressing her shoulders against the wall I watch her face carefully. I am fully inside of her now. My body begs to create more friction, but the insane warmth around my length causes my eyes to roll back in my head. I moan, overwhelmed by the sensation, it's the most amazing feeling ever - our eyes connect again. I can see the same overwhelmed lust igniting her eyes.

"I've been empty for a long time," she whispers. "My heart … it's been gone for so long and I didn't think I could regain something that had been ripped from me so brutally."

I shift my hips slightly, allowing her words to wash over me. "Fuck," I grunt, feeling like my penis is about to explode.

"I never considered I'd find someone who had enough of their own heart to share." A single tear glides down her right check. "No matter what you'll always have me. My heart is yours, and I'll forever be a part of you."

She releases my hips and grabs my face, placing the softest kiss against my lips. I am stunned by the simplicity of it, of how deeply I feel it. She moves her body up then back down, gliding against me. I cry out, not expecting it. My left arm supports her weight as my right arm braces against the wall and supports my own.

Pushing into her again forcefully, her back flattens against the wall. I can't control my body anymore. I thrust deep and fast into her, my vision invaded by bright white spots. Her fingers coil into my hair pulling as her walls clamp down around me and she screams out. Her body trembles as I push in four quick times before my own finally releases. I cum with more force than I ever have, moaning into her hair. My own muscles quake violently. Our lips meet once more, slow and tenderly they dance together.

There is no more to say. I am so very tired in every way. My body begs to give out so without another word, I carry Bella back to our bedroom. Laying her down, I tuck her in and slide in next to her. I have enough energy to whisper "I love you," before I pass out. Deep in the back of my mind I hear Bella answer, though it's muddied in the haze of my slumber.

"And I love you. Always," her voice echoes into my dreams.

**::a.l.l.o::**

I wake groggy and disoriented, slipping my head off the side of the bed so I can see the alarm clock. 9:30 a.m. I've slept for nearly twelve hours, I think, rubbing my hand over my eyes. Somehow I feel as if I could sleep for at least another eight.

Stretching my arms out at my sides I realize for the first time that I am alone. I sit up and look around, but I know. I don't need to check the apartment for her. I can feel it everywhere - the emptiness.

She is gone.

Her words from last night drift through my head like smoke weaving through the vibrant panic inside me. _"No matter what you'll always have me."_ She'd said 'no matter what'. She knew then she was still leaving.

I wrap my arms around my torso but comfort is a laughable expectation. I will find none. The stillness around me is overpowering, it creeps inside me with ease. And I'm shocked at how quickly I can become numb.

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><p><strong>AN: So ... firstly, I want to say people will probably hate this Bella. Just be patient. Secondly, thoughts are greatly appreciated - please review!**


	3. two

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p><strong>Two.<strong>

**bpov**

You know when things in life just seem to fall into place? Like the stars have aligned and it's your time - the best time. That's where I am right now. It's a surreal feeling that I don't think I'll ever get used to. If I'm lucky it will never go away. When I glance over at Edward and he winks, throwing me a cheeky grin I know in my heart it won't.

I'm spending the summer getting to know my Dad - something I never expected to get the chance to do. I'm getting ready to attend the school of my dreams in the fall. And now I can add finding Edward to my list.

I know it sounds corny, and clichéd - a summer romance that won't last. Granted, all things I would probably think in passing judgment on anyone else in my position. But it's none of those things.

He returns triumphantly to the blanket I am perched on, a hot dog in each hand and bottles of water lodged securely between his arm and body. I jump up, relieving him of the water. I can't help but laugh at his face, because it is gorgeous, and stupid happy, and a reflection of how I feel entirely.

We are stretched out on the beach, downing our hot dogs in silence because quiet doesn't bother us, and we are both starving after our hike up to the cliffs. I had never been to this beach before, it was nothing like the beaches in Florida. But it was breathtakingly beautiful.

Edward was obviously proud to show me around, insisting we get a better look from the vantage point the cliffs afford. He had been right, and although I cursed him silently as we trekked through the slippery, moss-covered terrain, I was dumbstruck once we got to the top.

It was the ocean for miles, with silhouetted rock formations scattered about. The sky was a hazy purplish-blue, giving the rocks a mysterious but beautiful appearance. I even swore I saw a few whales in the distance.

"Oh my," I whispered in haughty breaths, still trying to catch mine as I leaned against the rock wall. "This is … wow."

Edward chuckled at my reaction, uselessly tucking hair behind my ear that had broken free from my hair tie. The wind whipped it right back out into the air. The tendrils lashed at my face, but I couldn't be bothered by anything in that moment.

"Stunningly beautiful," I murmured.

"Yes," Edward's reply wafted softly from my right, drawing my attention. When I turned toward him he was watching me, his eyes full of emotion deep as the ocean behind me. I shivered from the feel of his gaze on me, so deep, so rich.

We are nestled on an even stretch of sand now, the waves curling against the shore in a lazy, melodic beat. As I take a full bite of my hot dog, the tart taste of mustard blends with tangy sweet ketchup and beef, and I think about that look. It makes me nervous how comfortable I feel with the intensity of it. I'd normally shy away from such attention, but with Edward it just feels right.

The hazy blue horizon has been replaced by a golden crested sky that stretches across the tip of the ocean, kissing the sea in burnt reds and oranges. I can't see the silhouetted rocks from this part of the beach, but the blank expanse of sky painted so bright is just as beautiful. My body relaxes into Edward who has finished his hotdog and wrapped his arms around me. His nose finds my ear the way it always does and I smile. The thought making me chuckle inside. _The way he always does_. As if we've been together for years. It's been mere weeks but time hasn't seemed to be a factor for us. Everything from the word go has been so natural and cohesive it truly is like we've been together for years.

**::a.l.l.o::**

_I was never allowed out on school nights. As lax a parent as Renee was, she was a stickler on some issues, and my education was a big one. So sneaking out was like committing a capital offense, but my best friend in the whole world promised me we wouldn't get caught so in my sixteen-year-old brain that was as good as a guarantee._

_Angela showed up outside my first floor window a little after midnight. I'd already done my part in the reconnaissance and swept the house. My mother was sound asleep, and Phil was out of town for a game so he wasn't a threat. Every sound in the house seemed magnified. As I pushed my window upward it scraped and cracked, the sound deafening me in the complete silence. It took me a good minute to lift the window enough that I could squeeze through. _

_My palms were a sweaty mess, my limbs were shaking uncontrollably, and as I lifted my right leg onto the window sill, my left knee buckled against the interior wall. I paused, taking in a deep breath before forcing the rest of my body through the window. _

_Angela threw her arms around me in a silent cheer, bouncing as she did so. She was excited - her exhilaration made my nerve-ridden body slightly less nervous. Okay, it was a bit thrilling. I smiled into the pitch-black night as we made our escape. _

_Once we were a good ten minutes from my home, the nerves began to dissipate, leaving only the excitement to bubble inside me. Angela handed me an ID and I squinted at it, passing light splashing yellows and greens against the shiny plastic. _

"_I'm twenty-three?" I squealed, sure that this little bit of information would have been nice to know before I agreed to the venture. I could pass for twenty-one, maybe. But twenty-three, I was sure to get caught. My stomach dropped to my feet, but Angela only laughed and waved me off. _

"_You're fine B! Ben said he's got a friend who's working as the bouncer tonight so we're golden." Her smile was brilliant and I couldn't help returning it. _

"_Okay," I mumbled, once again allowing her word to be fact and not so much the conjecture that it was in actuality. Ignorance is bliss. _

_As we stood in line outside of Eclipse I could feel the bass of the music permeating from the bricks of the building. I leaned against them, closing my eyes and griping tightly to my false identity. Angela linked her arm through mine and pulled me toward the door. I can't remember if I even opened my eyes, but the next thing I knew the music was suddenly all around me - pressing into my body, filling my ears and settling against my bones. The atmosphere was alive, chatter rising above the thrumping beat only long enough to be swallowed up by it once more. I peered around in awe at the amount of people packed into such a small space. _

_Bodies moved in waves on the dance floor, my hips swaying along on their own accord. There is something very primal to dancing; your body feels it before your brain can make the conscious decision to act on it. Angela leads me through the throngs of people vying for the bartender's attention against the bar to a back area with scattered tables. _

_We slid into a booth, the energy around us filling us both as we bounced lightly in ours seats._

"_This is awesome!" she yelled above the music. I grinned and nodded wildly. "I'm gonna see if I can find Ben, I thought I saw him at the bar - stay here!" She shouts into my ear and I nod again. _

_There was no way in hell I was venturing out in a place like this on my own. Or so I thought, until I saw him. It took a few minutes, I was happy as a clam wiggling gently in my seat to the beat and people watching. Then I caught a glimpse of his hair; black as night and shining against the club lights. I craned my neck to get a better look, because whoever it was was weaving in and out to the music. _

_Then I saw his arm, the unmistakable tattoo that banded his bicep. A cold shiver ran down my spine, all excitement draining with it. I swallowed against a suddenly dry throat. I could see him perfectly now. Dancing freely, right arm wrapped around the lower back of some woman. Not even a girl like me - a woman. Her legs straddled his knee and she was grinding so close they looked like one blob moving together._

_She had beautiful blonde hair, perfectly sculpted down her back in straight sections that curled under only slightly. Reflexively I glanced down at my own hair which I had pinned back to one side, but I could see the ends were already starting to frizz from the humid environment. _

_I watched in frozen horror as he leaned his face down, pressing his lips to her neck. She smiled and he smiled and said something low against her skin. I felt sick, suddenly nauseous and frantic to get the hell out of there. My brain struggled to process what was happening. The images in front of me did not match with what I knew of the person I was seeing. Jake. Here. Jacob Black in a club dancing. With a woman. Jacob Black, my boyfriend, dancing in a club with a woman. The love of my life? The person I'd given my soul over to…. No that couldn't be right. I blinked twice thinking each time that the scene before me would change. He only moved impossibly closer to her, his hand dipping from her back to her ass when he did._

_My own hand balled under the table into a tight fist, my nails cutting into my palm. Anger began to fill every inch of my body, adrenaline flowing in mad waves. _Who the fuck was this woman?_ I stood and moved through the crowd with more poise then I would have ever imagined possessing in that situation. I made myself stop in front of them and not barrel through the woman like I wanted to. I envisioned knocking her to the ground and ripping out that beautiful blonde hair. I ground my teeth together instead._

_It took one of Jake's friends to gain his attention. Paul, who was dancing next to Jake with some other woman, nudged him roughly and pointed at me. Despite the noise level, I could still hear Jake snicker under his breath when he looked up from the blonde's shoulder. "Hey Bellaaaaa," he drew out my name. He was drunk. I didn't even know he drank._

"_Jake." I said curtly. He smiled lazily but kept his arms around the blonde. The sight curdled my blood in the most disgusting way. I'd never before contemplated murder, but it seemed like a just notion in that moment. The blonde had the good sense to at least stop gyrating against his leg when she took in my expression. She blinked at me with a surprised, ashamed look. _

_The fact that she stopped her motions seemed to anger Jake. His loose smile dropped into a straight line, an ice cold expression settling over his features. "What do you want?" He asked like a sharp right hook and I recoiled slightly. _

_The anger that had filled me dissolved with the look in his eyes, the tone in his voice - it just vanished with the reality I saw there. Utter pain and despair took its place, I ached all over. I no longer knew what to say. "Wh - what are you doing?" My voice shook with unshed tears._

"_Dancing," he spit back, tightening his grip against the blonde's ass. _

"_I … I didn't know you'd be here," I whispered but I knew he heard me. He smirked only it was a bitter expression, void of any real humor or irony. _

"_I'm surprised to see you here too," he replied plainly._

_I didn't know what else to say, the pain was gripping onto me so hard I could barely breathe. I had given this man two years of my life and I didn't know him at all. I turned before the tears could escape my eyes and pushed my way through the crowd. _

_Angela stopped me just outside the door, catching my expression before she could say a word. She wrapped her arms around me and whispered she was sorry. I wasn't sure if she witnessed any of what happened or not, maybe my face said it all, but she didn't ask. She drove me home and helped me sneak back in my window. _

_I didn't go to school the next morning. I pretended I was sick, which I never did, so my mother didn't even question it. That year she had a job at a local florist and had to be to work, so she tucked me into bed with a warm cup of tea and kissed my head. I lay there unable to sleep and cried tears that never seemed to end. _

_Around noon there was a knock at my door. I ignored it, pulling the covers over my head and shutting out the world. Sometime later the knock came again, but whoever it was wouldn't go away. After fifteen minutes of the knocking I groaned, flipped the covers off of me and groggily shuffled to the front door._

_The person in front of me brought stinging tears immediately to my eyes. I swung the door closed again, but his hand caught it before it could latch. He was strong, and pushed it back open, walking in past me without a word._

"_Get out Jake," I rasped, my voice full of misery._

"_Bella, we need to talk. I'm sorry about the way I acted last night I was out of it, I'd been … I'd been drinking." He looked sorry, completely contrite, but I was unsure what to say. He wasn't himself that was true, but aren't you more like your true self when you're drunk? I glanced down at his hands and immediately envisioned them clenched against that blonde girl's ass. I choked back a sob, really not wanting him to see me cry._

"_Jake I don't know what to say to you…"_

_His arms pulled me into him so tightly I could barely breathe. For the first time in our relationship it didn't feel right. "Say you'll forgive me, I never wanted you to see me like that… I'm sorry."_

Never wanted you to see me like that. _The choice of words was not lost on me, but my heart hurt so much I just wanted things back to the way they were. "Jake… who … who was she?"_

_He laughed low, but it contained that same humorless vibe his smirk had the night before. "Don't be so jealous Bella."_

_That was his answer. I pushed away, narrowing my eyes at him. "You were all over her," I said evenly as I began to find my footing. _

_He rolled his eyes. "Please Bella, it was nothing. I'm with you," he stressed the last part, pointing at me._

"_But last night you were with her." I ground through my teeth._

"_Yeah .. So?" His response took my breath away, like a vacuum sucked all of the air out of the room. _So? _"Listen Bella, it's not a big deal. You're my girl, but sometimes a guys just gotta have a little fun. You need to loosen up."_

_My mouth dropped open. "Loosen up? No. No Jake, I don't need to loosen up. Do you hear yourself?"_

"_Yeah, what? I said it was no big deal. Jesus."_

_I'd had enough. "You know what Jake? You're wrong about one thing. I'm not your girl. Now get the hell out."_

_He stared back at me, his expression going cold. "You're breaking up with me?"_

"_Yes."_

_He laughed under his breath. "Bella, who are you going to find that's going to want you the way I want you? I mean look at you."_

"_Excuse me?"_

_He took a step closer, his fingers curling against a strand of my hair as he looked me over. "I mean - look at you. You're not going to find another man who's going to want you like I do. We have a history Bella, that's why I stay with you. I love you. But … but it's not like there's a line of guys waiting at your door." He spit the last part with such venom that I winced. _

_His words filled my head and inflated like a sponge. They took over any logical thinking and I felt suddenly panicked. Tears fell freely, moistening my cheeks and my eyes glued to the floor. I felt ashamed, I felt unworthy, I didn't know why I felt those things but it was overwhelming. _

_He pulled me against him again, kissing the top of my head. "I told you baby, I love you, I'll never leave you but you gotta loosen up a bit."_

I think back to that and it makes my stomach curl. It disgusts me that I can pinpoint with such accuracy when Jacob Black changed me so. At that point we had two years of this amazing history together, he was all I knew and I loved him more than I loved myself.

I know now how wrong I was to let him manipulate me in that way, and how stupid I was to fall for it. But it took me another year and a half to figure that out. It was spring break of my senior year when I finally snapped out of it. But the damage done was irrevocable. I was hollowed by him, a flimsy skin of who I once was.

That spring I walked in on Jake having sex with Angela. That spring I almost killed myself. That spring I lost everyone who I thought I was close with. However I survived, I did. I suppose I can thank my mother for keeping me at least a little bit sane. But it didn't take long for me to find out that Jake had been sleeping around for three years, and the pigeon hold he had on me was just some sick twisted game to him.

I was just a toy to him - I meant nothing. That kind of emotional scarring stays with you, even when you think you're over it. It will show up in the evilest of ways.

"Bella?" Edward's soft voice breaks through my memories like a welcome beam of light on a cloudy day. I smile despite the tears that trail my cheeks.

"Hm?"

"Are you okay? I told you I didn't even know that woman."

I feel the depression that seems to hover around me form a bit tighter to my skin. It's a mixture now. Since that fateful day with Jacob I've never felt good enough. My confidence is non-existent. And not just with men. It has affected me in all aspects of my life. That year I didn't try out for the softball team in the spring. Something I had been doing for eight years, and I just could muster up the courage to try out. I was afraid of failing more than anything in this world - convinced I wasn't good enough.

Now, since being freed of Jake's oppressive influence, I am fully cognizant of the fact. I've overcome it a bit, but it's still there regardless of the fact I can look it in the face. And now that I see it beginning to affect my relationship with Edward there is a new layer of guilt wrapped around me.

We've been together for seven months and only had a handful of arguments; all starting and ending similarly - with me upset and Edward apologizing. I can feel that feeling of inadequacy creeping in, it's a toxin and it's darkening the brightness that is what we have.

Today I accused him of eyeing another woman. Deep down I knew he hadn't, but the insecurity is crippling and I needed to validate myself. So now that it's turned into an argument I feel guilty, but I can't back down. My stubbornness is perhaps the only thing that survived whatever emotional abuse I've been through.

I hate that term - emotional abuse. It seems so drastic. But the shrink my mother forced me to see after I was so deeply depressed had wrapped the whole package with this pretty little bow.

I glance back at Edward, loving him more than I ever thought possible considering my past. Continually amazed by what we have and bitterly unbelieving that it can last. "I'm fine, I'm sorry I got upset." I finally respond, letting him off the hook.

He sighs, his body visibly relaxing before he pulls me against his bare chest. "I hate to see you like this baby. I love you. Please don't question that."

I smile softly, rubbing my nose into his cheek so he can't see the new tears. "I don't," I half lie, fully aware of the fact that I am doomed to forever be split in two. My heart believes him unconditionally, but my brain will not be fooled again. I feel drained already, weary of the prospect of this war - body and soul. How long can it possibly last and which will win out? The thought is terrifying, I can't lose Edward. I just can't.

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><p><strong>AN: I have a very clear idea where I want this story to go. So after carefully considering how to lay it out I decided to swap character povs every other part. That being said, Bella's povs will be set in the past. I also decided not to set a strict dated timeline, but there is a discernable timeline - so hopefully it's clear enough. I'd love to know everyone's thoughts. I warned you'd hate this Bella and that's because I've never written a Bella that is so obviously flawed in her thinking. But know that she has her reasons. Hopefully this gave you a better feel for why. Please review! **

**xx Buff**


	4. three

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p><strong>three<strong>

**epov**

Our apartment is small; a one bedroom with a miniscule kitchen and an even smaller bathroom but it is all we can afford on two college student's budgets. It works well for us though. It's close enough to campus, and the lease is year-round so we can stay through the summers and work. I've continued interning at the hospital through the summers, but Bella got a job as a barista at a local Starbucks.

It's not the most exciting life, but we're in it together I always tell her - or toldher. Staring down at the dining room table we used almost every night I squint at the worn wood. It was Bella's find. A large spool from a construction site she'd sanded down and stained. It's actually a really resourceful idea. There is typically a seasonal table cloth covering it, but I couldn't stare at the patriotic flags any longer so I ripped it off the day before and threw it in the trash.

Our tiny apartment, a place that held two years worth of memories, feels so foreign to me now. The rooms seem too large; the already sparse furniture looks lonely. Maybe I am just projecting my own feelings onto these inanimate objects, but the air of melancholy hangs thick about the place.

Bella has been gone for two weeks. She hasn't even come back to pick up a spare pair of shoes, or the razor she left in the shower, or her favorite pillow that sits on our bed mocking me with her smell, …or my heart. She left everything.

The morning I awoke to an empty apartment I went straight to her job, praying she would be there, pleading with the Gods it was all a horrible nightmare and she was only working. Melanie, her all-too chipper co-worker greeted me from behind the tall counter. I turned without even as much as a smile and left before asking if she'd been there.

It's now almost August and school will be starting again soon. I can only hope Bella will be back to start the fall semester. We are set to graduate next year; I can't imagine she would throw away two years of an education. I also haven't made any other attempts to find out. Part of me is terrified to call anyone, to speak with her mother or father. Part of me is angry she's done this to us. Most of me is just numb.

I have forced myself to function, but on the most basic of levels. I wake up, manage a dismal breakfast, go into the hospital and then come home and go straight to bed. I talk as little as possible, and I'm quite certain I haven't smiled once since she left.

It's Saturday so I unfortunately don't have to be to work today. I slept in as long as my mind would allow, which was depressingly not that late. Showered, shaved, brushed my teeth and am sitting debating breakfast. I'm not hungry, but that's unsurprising, I rarely am anymore. Emmett came to visit last weekend and wouldn't shut the fuck up about how skinny I looked. I think it's utter bullshit because it's only been a few weeks and it's not like I'm starving myself or anything. To his credit, he did manage to keep me busy and my mind somewhat off things for a couple days. He had to be back to school early for football training or he claimed he would have stayed longer to 'whip me into shape'. I was sort of glad he had to leave. There is really only one person's company I was interested in having.

Toast sounds pretty good and even a bit appetizing so I stand to make some when the front door opens quietly. I'm in the doorway to the kitchen, my back to the front door. My chest is tight with air that is trapped in my lungs; they are burning to exhale but I'm completely frozen.

"Bella?" I whisper. It's the first time I've said her name aloud since that night. My entire body releases a sigh with the relief of it.

"Hi Edward," her unmistakable voice calls gently from the doorway.

I turn to her, a smile so light resting on my lips. "Bella," I repeat a bit louder. She is standing a bit awkwardly with a suitcase in her hands. She's wearing cut off jean shorts and a tank top. Her hair is pulled into a high ponytail on her head; soft wisps of hair that have pulled loose frame her face. I drink in her face, her skin is sun kissed unlike I have ever seen it before. There are light coppery streaks highlighting her hair. The circles under her eyes that I had become so accustomed to were all but gone. She looked good - healthy, happy.

"You look good," I say softly, speaking the only thing on my mind.

She smiles softly, tucking some of the fallen tendrils behind her ear. "Thanks, I've been at my Mom's. You look … it's good to see you," she sighs with an earnest smile. She's not going to lie to me and say I look good - I know I must look worse for the wear considering my lack of sleep and overall disposition for the past few weeks.

"It's amazing to see you," I murmur feeling almost giddy. The energy that always surrounds us pops and crackles. There is an unbearably strong urge to go to her, pull her into my arms, feel her body against mine - but I'm hesitant. My eyes fall to the suitcase and my heart sores. _It's over._ "Do you need help with your things?"

Her face shifts, her mouth fading into a straight line as her eyes fall to the suitcase her fingers are digging into. "Oh, um … it's empty actually."

"Empty?" I ask, confused.

"Yeah, I … I came to get some of my things." Her eyes stay away from my face. All of the happiness and hope and giddiness is stolen away. The sadness and loneliness that has been building over these weeks slams back into me with such force I brace my hand against the door frame of the kitchen.

"Oh," is all I can respond. She seems to understand that I can't respond. She only nods and moves from the door, shutting it behind her. I watch her move to our bedroom but don't follow.

My feet are rooted to their spot on the floor. I'm desperately trying to reconcile what is happening. Bella returning for her things - as much as I have yearned for at least that much in the last two weeks - seemed so much more final than her simply disappearing. Then there was always the possibility she would return. Then I could look down at her toothbrush and think 'she'll need that one day, she'll be back'. Now what? There will be nothing left. Only the memory of what we had and the aching hole left in my soul from what she's taken.

This can't happen, for so long I wouldn't allow it - I put up with so much from her so this _wouldn't_ happen. But I never planned for this. Never thought it would be her that decided we were no good for each other.

I stand in my spot for God knows how long … long enough for her to pack whatever she came for. She hovers by the front door, her now full suitcase in hand, watching me. Inside I am screaming at myself to speak, to hold her and not allow her to leave, but I'm terrified it won't be enough and I can't do it. My subconscious pleads with me that she'll take my silence for a dismissal, but still the words won't come.

My eyes are fixed on my feet that won't move. A single tear falls from my face and plops sadly onto my big toe. I hear her suitcase drop heavily against the linoleum area in front of the door. "Oh Edward, I hate this," she says her voice laced with thick sorrow.

_You have no idea how much I hate this._ I can feel her close to me, my fingers twitch against my thighs. "Stay," I manage in barely a whisper.

Her fingers run through my hair above my right ear, curling around my hairline there. The entire right side of my face tingles. "I … I can't Edward."

"You went to Florida?" I have no idea why I'm asking her this, with all of the millions of sentiments I could be saying, I'm wasting my breath on small talk.

"Yeah, it was nice, seeing my Mom."

Finally with some will power that I didn't know I possessed I pull my gaze to hers. She is so close I can feel her body's warmth. Her expression is devastated and torn. "Please Bella."

She shakes her head slightly, her hand resting against the nape of my neck, her eyes searching mine. "I can't. _We_ need this Edward, please don't make it harder than it has to be."

"I need you - not this."

"I need you too," she whimpers. "But I know how it will go, and it's no good - for either of us. Please understand … we are … _I _am toxic to this," she motions between her and me. "I need to remove that … to figure out how to purge this thing from my being before we can have any chance. Right now if I stay we'll never survive. It's just no good right now, what we have." Her voice waivers and succumbs to a wave of soft sobs.

Tears glide down my check and collect at the tip of my chin. "What we have …" I repeat, my hands finding her face and I cup her cheeks gently; imploring her with my eyes. "You're wrong Bella. It's more than good - _what we have." _

A new resolve fills me - I can't bare to hear her cast such negative light on our relationship, I have to make her understand. "…It's more … a love like ours eats you up inside in the worst and the best ways. It takes over, owning everything about you. It'll turn you into a complete stranger; force you to be at your best, or supply you the excuse to fall the farthest." I watch the salty water collect along her lashes and spill over again, her lip trembles.

"A love like ours isn't easy or reasonable. It can't be explained or dissected. A love like ours just _is_. It's meant to be, it's inescapable. It will strip you bare and make you feel raw. A love like ours is the best kind. It's real. "

My nose runs along hers, tears mingle. "This is real," I say again before my lips press against hers. It isn't urgent or forceful. It's full of feeling and a basic need to be that way with her.

She pulls away gently. "It's not healthy Edward, we burn too hot - you have to see that. While I was away from you I was dead inside, I couldn't feel anything. I need you _too_ much. I already lost myself a long time ago, and before I can allow myself to be lost in you I need to become whole again." She sighs against me, her lips brush mine as she continues. "We could be so much more - you are amazing, the spark that we have can never be replaced. But please, let me do this for us." She pauses, swallowing back a fresh round of tears. Her forehead falls against my chin. "You have to let me go Edward."

**::a.l.l.o::**

It's been one hundred and ten days since Bella left. Since I let her go - because really I know she was pleading with me as much as I was with her. Had I pressed her, begged her more she would have stayed. But when I saw the desperate look in her eyes I knew she needed what she was asking of me.

It took me weeks, but I eventually saw what she was saying, understood the sense in it. She was right, but it didn't make it any less painful. The school year is almost halfway over and I have yet to hear a word from her. I have no idea what school she transferred to - if she even transferred schools. I don't know where she's living. Bella thought it would be easier this way. "We'll find each other when it's right … if it's right." She had said.

A week, a day … hell, an hour seemed long enough to me, but I'm not the one looking for something - she is. So I am waiting, moving through life with a constant cloud in my brain, hoping today will be the day. It's been one hundred and ten days and every hour, every minute has been unbearable. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. When Emmett came for a long weekend he brought a group of girls for me to 'choose from'. I told him then I'd wait forever. He'd looked at me with such pity. Honestly I don't know if I even believe myself. My heart does without pause, but in my mind I know I can only stand so much misery.

So I am focusing on school, taking on extra course hours, keeping myself busy. At this rate I'll be able to apply to med school after two more semesters. I should be proud, but it's difficult to feel much of any emotion. Life's not all bad I guess. I've made a pretty good friend who seems to be as focused on school as I am. We're in a lot of classes together and end up spending the weekends studying a lot of the time. We've even started just hanging out, grabbing a beer now and then. It's nice to unwind and just bullshit. It's nice to have a friend. I never branched out to make friends with anyone once I hit college, I had Bella and that was enough. But I'm seeing now I've missed out a bit.

My phone rings and it's Jasper; we're supposed to meet up for some drinks tonight. "Hey man what's up?"

"Hey, can we meet in like twenty?"

"Uh, yeah no problem - O'Grady's?"

"Yeah, sounds good. See ya."

"Later."

I frown at my phone, Jasper sounded upset. He is one of the most even tempered guys I've ever met; very mild-mannered. I jump in a quick shower and get dressed with five minutes to spare. Grabbing my keys, I head down the street towards O'Grady's. It's only a two minute walk but there's no point in waiting.

When I get to the bar, Jasper is already there, beer in hand. "Hey J, you okay?" I ask quietly as I take the stool next to him. He shrugs, hanging his head over his beer.

"Eh, been better."

We've never really had any in-depth conversations, unless you count theories on the effectiveness of certain medications, or debates about poetry. We mostly stuck to school and basic interests or hobbies. I had a feeling Jasper needed to talk but didn't know how to. I sigh, motioning to the bartended for a beer. "What's got you troubled man?"

He shrugs again, reluctant to get into it. "Girl troubles."

"Oh," I mouth, raising my eyebrows. "I don't know if I can be much help in that category. I mean I know the ladies are all over me and all that but … you gotta be born with that kind of gift," I quip sarcastically.

He chuckles, sipping his Guinness. I smile, happy to have broken the tension in him a bit. "Why don't we grab a couple more beers and take this to a booth?" I suggest. He agrees and we order two more each. It's only 5:30 so the bar is pretty empty. We find a booth and slide in, sitting in quiet for a moment. A waitress comes around and asks if we want food. I order some cheese fries and she leaves to put it in.

"So, what about this girl … I didn't know you had a girlfriend."

"I don't," he replies miserably. "It's just … there's this girl I've liked for a _long _time, and I can't seem to work up the nerve to ask her out."

I smirk, thankful that the issue isn't anything deeper. "So it's a crush that's got you all emo then?"

He flicks a peanut at me, grinning despite himself. "I guess, yeah, whatever."

"Well, how long have you liked this girl?"

His cheeks pink slightly; he suddenly finds a napkin very interesting.

"Whitlock. How long?" I arch a brow at him.

"Shememn meres," he mumbles.

"Excuse me?"

"Seven. Years." He repeats crystal clear.

I whistle, but stop when he supplies me a leveling stare. "So you knew her in high school then? I thought you came here from Texas?"

His 'no shit Sherlock' expression says it all. "Ohhhhh," I say dumbly. "You moved from Texas to Washington for a girl?" I asked impressed. "That's devotion man."

He flips me off with a mixture of slight humor and irritation. "Whatever man, just forget I mentioned it."

I put my hands up defensively. "No, no I'm not doggin you - I think it's amazing. I'm serious - that's some devotion. I … I understand, seriously." _If only he knew how far I'd go for the love of my life._

He seems to relax, taking a good sized gulp of his first beer. "She's just … every time I get the chance I freeze up and can't seem to get the words out. I've pinned for her for so long I guess I'm just scared she'll turn me down and all the shit I've done will be for nothing."

I feel him completely, but bite my tongue so I don't blurt out how similarly I feel; how familiar I am with being lost and afraid. I don't mind bonding - however, I'm not up for explaining Bella to anyone, it would be impossible to encompass it in words.

My heart strings pull tightly for my friend, he looks absolutely pitiful. "Did something happen today?"

He nods. "Yeah, we were working on a lab together in chemistry and she mentioned a party she was going to tonight. She looked at me all hopeful and shit and for the first time … for the first time in seven years it hit me that she was hoping I'd be interested in joining her. That maybe, just maybe she was interested in me too."

I raise my eyebrows. "That's great man."

He shakes his head. "No. Because I froze up. I couldn't do it. It was the wide open door I'd been waiting for and I choked like an asshole. Now it's like I slammed the door shut in _her_ face - even if I can figure out how to make my fucking mouth work, she'll never want to go out with me now. Ugh. What the hell do I do man?"

A sense of resolve surges through me. I slap my hand against his back and grin. "It sounds like you're gonna need a wingman."

"What?" he deadpans.

"You're going to that party."

"Oh no … I can't just show up … can I?"

"Uh, yeah you can. And you will."

"You'd go with me?"

I shrug impassively. "What are friends for?"

For the first time in a long time I feel optimistic about something. Maybe I can help Jasper, it feels good … I feel good.

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><p><strong>AN: Sooooo there's that. We'll see where this goes 'cause I don't even knowwwww. But I do … but I don't. Mwhahahaha! Really though, this chapter kindda went it's own way toward the end. I'd love to know your thoughts - should Edward possibly meet someone at this party? Does it make you happy for him to be moving on even in just little ways? Are you not totally proud of Bella for making the decision she made? We'll hear more of this from her pov next chapter so stick with me, it's all for the greater good. Please review!**

**xx Buff**


	5. four

**A/N: Just a quick reminder that Bella's povs are set in the past. So … here we go.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p><strong>four <strong>

bpov

"I love you," I whisper breathlessly against Edward's neck.

"I love you more," he pants running his tongue along my earlobe. A delicious chill evaporates down my spine, cooling my heated body momentarily.

Edward pushes deeper into me; the feeling low in my belly intensifies. He moves harder, faster giving my body exactly what it wants. I don't have to ask, or moan, or push him further into me - he knows. Somehow he's just always known exactly what to do. His body reads me better than anything in this world.

There is no longer any trace of the bitter anger that had laced my tongue so heavily not thirty minutes ago. As soon as his hands touched my body all was forgotten, but that's the way we are. The words that had so easily slipped from my mouth - the incised spewing of my hatred for him - are meaningless now. Nonsensical bullshit. Now it's just us, as one, loving each other with every fiber, every morsel of our beings; giving each other everything that we have.

His fingers knead my ass in slow moving waves, a stark contrast to the swift, rhythmic beat of his thrusts. Every nerve-ending in my body feels him; even my eyelashes vibrate from the intensity. It's almost too much, but my body tries to contain it - hold onto it as long as it can. I would swallow him whole if it meant he could be closer to me. But when we're like this - him inside of me, me encompassing him, arms wrapped tightly around one another; two puzzle pieces that so desperately cling together - for that time we are perfect, an undeniably flawless fit.

My back arches off the mattress; he slips impossibly deeper inside causing me to moan and bite into his neck. He chuckles against my shoulder, his breath puffing the hair away from my skin; it tickles as it settles back into place. His lips roam the freckled tip of my shoulder. My hips move harder, a distinct slapping noise fills the air around us as our skin meets so hastily, mingling with our laden moans and haughty breathing.

I cum with reckless abandon, crying out a muffled mixture of his name and God. He falls relentlessly behind me, pounding into me fiercely, gripping my hips as if I were trying to get away. As if I would. I was right where I wanted to be, my body tumbling down a sensational, euphoric spiral of ecstasy and Edward pumping all of himself into me - I wasn't going anywhere.

Tremors ignite randomly throughout my muscles, tiny electrical pulses that crackle quickly and then lusciously fade away. Tranquility satiates my entire being; I smile lazily into Edward's hair, my fingers curling into the wavy tendrils. His body weighs heavily on top of mine, but it's a welcome weight. He kisses what skin he can reach without moving his head; dreamy, soft kisses of love and adoration.

This is one of my most favorite moments; outside of the moment of climax, this right here. Both of us gloriously spent, ridiculously happy, and more in love than ever. Feeling his loose muscles against my own, the way his feet flop loosely atop mine as opposed to toes digging into the mattress as they were just moments ago.

I breathe him in, pressing my lips against his silky hair. Millions upon millions of people in this world and I have found _him_. How could I be so lucky? "You are my rain cloud," I murmur.

"Your what?" He replies softly. I feel his eyebrows furrow against my chest, but every other muscle in his body stays remarkably lax.

"My rain cloud," I slur, my mouth protesting against the movement.

I can almost hear the wheels in his head moving - he's deciding if I mean it in a good or bad way. "That's a good thing." I giggle tenderly to relieve his concern.

His cheek bones press lightly into my breast when he speaks. "How so?"

"Well," I begin, stretching my body slightly and wiggling my toes. "The way I see it, it's like this - I was lost in the desert. The worst, driest desert you could think of. And there was nothing, just sand. No mountains, no grass, no rivers, or streams, or random puddles. All there was before me was this enormous expanse of clear blue sky that met the endless sand and housed a relentless, scorching sun," I pause.

"But the thing is, a clear blue sky when you're lost in a desert can be deadly. I had nothing, not even a little canteen," I shrug. His shoulders lifted softly up and down in a silent chuckle. "But then one day it happened."

"What happened?"

"You. A promising rain cloud. You blocked out that evil sun and gave me a chance. Gave me hope."

Edward lifts up onto his elbows, piercing green eyes study mine. I know what he'll see there, dopy brown - full of sappy, sappy love. "Bella," he says quietly, his expression saying everything else.

My fingers push through his hair, curving over his ear. "So. It's a good thing. You being my rain cloud and all. You give me what I need to live."

He grins stupidly; I return one just as stupidly. We are two stupid, grinning, post-coital idiots. "Water?"

"No," I smile wider. "You."

"Me what…?"

My brow furrows. "You give me _you _silly. Now you've ruined the cuteness," I huff but he knows I couldn't possibly be upset. He pokes my ribs and nuzzles his nose into my clavicle.

"You can have all of me," his voice comes out muffled but the message is loud and clear.

"Ohhh, you may be sorry you said that," I laugh, rolling us over so I'm in the dominant position. He recoils in mock fear, holding his hands up defensively. I press my palms into his, our fingers lace.

My expression settles into a serious one. "You've had every morsel of me since you breathed hello." I lean in kissing his lips and feeling him grow hard against my thigh. "You'll always have me," I say into his swollen lips. His hands wind through my hair, gripping at the nape of my neck.

His mouth covers mine, deeply, sweetly our tongues waltz. He pulls away after an eternity breathless and eyes closed. "Bella…"

I study his face, take in every diminutive detail - the way his bottom lip is slightly fuller than the top. The thickness of his eyelashes and the glaring contrast of them against his creamy complexion. The light freckle that is barely noticeable at the corner of his right eye. The small budding stubble that ghosts his chin and jaw. His eyes open locking my attention to them. His pupils dilate - which would have been barely noticeable had I not been studying him so intensely.

"Marry me," he whispers so faintly it's like a murmur from the past. Something said long ago that's echoed through the years. His adam's apple dips sharply as he swallows hard against the words.

My head swims, I'm certain it's been detached from my body. I press my palm against my forehead to assure it's still in place. I'm filled with an indescribable variation of emotions. I can't catch hold of one long enough to decipher what it is. And then I am brought back to earth. Edward's expectant eyes lasso me, pulling me in then under. All I can think of is my love for him - spending the rest of my days on earth with him. It seems so simple. An obvious choice. The door slams shut on that box of mixed emotions - I'll sort them out another day.

A smile curls my lips and my nostrils burn with the unshed tears that brim my lashes. "Yes," I push through my lungs, all the air leaving my body with the word. Edward coughs out a laugh and a cry all in one, crashing his lips to mine again. Tears spill over and cascade down my cheeks. He rolls us over and pushes inside of me once again. The radiating heat spreads from between my legs and sears through my muscles; devouring any thought other than Edward's body. My brain clouds over as we lose ourselves again, utterly and completely.

**::a.l.l.o:: **

Edward and I have been together for just less than two years. Four months ago he proposed. Four months ago I said yes. He promptly went out and bought me a ring which I still have yet to slip on my finger.

I've stared at it, resting so neatly in its velvety home, shiny and mocking me with its perfectness. He's only asked a handful of times - if that - why I don't wear the ring, or why I haven't told anyone. An outsider would say unequivocally that we weren't engaged based on this information, but I think Edward likes to live in delusion as much as I do.

The truth is I can't give a reason why I don't wear the ring, or what turns my insides out so disgustingly when I think about planning a wedding. I love Edward more than anything in this entire world, but still I have these unexplainable feelings. In its most basic of form it's simply this - I'm not ready. Edward would never understand this though, he's more than ready, I know. I'm the one who is lacking. So for now we are happily avoiding the gigantic elephant in the room.

I can feel it though, a ticking time bomb liable to go off at any moment, and I know deep down inside that when it does it won't be good for either of us. I thank God everyday that we at least have school to keep us preoccupied. At the very least I can lean on the same excuse I've been peddling these past four months - what's the rush? We're still in school and I wouldn't want to get married until after we graduate anyway. Is satisfies Edward's concern for now.

**::a.l.l.o::**

It's Sunday night, our lazy night. We've made it a tradition over the years to stay in and watch a movie, make dinner at home. Somehow this has also turned into spaghetti night. It's quick and easy to make as well as yummy. So in keeping with our weekly tradition, Edward and I ran to the store for some pasta sauce and noodles. I was supposed to go earlier in the week, but I had two term papers due and extra shifts that I couldn't pass up at Starbucks. So here we are in line, buying our supplies - or I am rather.

We forgot fresh parmesan cheese so Edward ran back to grab some. Now I'm standing in line gritting my teeth so tightly I'm sure the old lady in front of me can hear it. Edward is standing three aisles away, in front of a giant display of paper towels, talking to some woman. Some tall, leggy, red-headed bitch. She's laughing and he's eating it up. _How the fuck is he supposed to be hungry for dinner when he's so heartily eating her shit up? _I growl under my breath and pinch my fingers into my legs to keep myself from going over there.

Leggy Red-head brushes her perfectly manicured fingers against his wrist and a sharp pain lances through my stomach. I bend slightly, trying to reconcile with the sudden blow. Tears sting my eyes and I hear Jacob's voice of all things shimmer through my subconscious. _I mean, look at you._ I glance down at my sweat pants and ratty addidas. Flexing my fingers, I glare at my nubby, half-bitten, sorry excuse for fingernails.

This woman looks like she just came from work. Her creamy, flowing blouse and ass-hugging pencil skirt cackle at me. I force my gaze to Edward who is nodding politely and looking as though he's trying to move away. _Edward is not Jacob_, I forcefully remind myself. _You didn't think Jacob was Jacob either_, my subconscious recalls just as forcefully.

Edward finally turns and walks my way. I relax every muscle in my face, forcing the frown lines away, and supply him with an even stare. He blinks back, reaching me just as the cashier begins ringing our items. "What?" He mouths but I turn away sharply. I don't need to say anything more - he knows I'm pissed.

The entire ride home I'm having flashes of moments past. Times where I have felt so insignificant and unworthy; I hunch in my seat. I won't speak - I simply can't, but Edward thinks it's because I won't. I know if I did I'd crumble completely. It's hard to breathe with this sudden bout of depression. It has a vise grip around me, squeezing me mercilessly.

In these moments it's impossible to differentiate what has made me mad. I can logically think it through, but emotionally everything gets placed on Edward. And the mere fact that I know this only intensifies things - the guilt swelters and makes the anger worse. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to control no matter what is at stake.

I grip the shopping bag between my legs and glare out the window, blind to the world that passes us by. Instead I see Jacob's eyes, so dead as he laughed at my tears. I see him openly fondling another girl at a party while I sat mousey and undeserving on the couch beside him. I see my mouth opening finally to protest and Jacob elbowing me, sloshing beer on my shirt and slurring for me to loosen up.

Worst of all I see him on top of me; pressing himself into me, my body completely numb as he thrust awkwardly and then quickly found his relief. His look of disgust when he pulled away and looked at my face. How he would throw my clothes at me and tell me to cover up. I feel all the feelings associated with each and every memory all in a matter of seconds. I feel those and I remember - I remember that I'm not worth it and never will be. That all it will take is some leggy red-head to saunter in and steal Edward away.

We walk in the front door and I explode at him. I unleash everything inside of me that has been my torment. But the worst moment of all is not reliving Jacob and his abhorrent treatment of me, or the validation it caused to my lacking self-esteem; the worst moment is the look on Edward's face as I purge it all and he takes every bit - the pain in his eyes is more hurtful and gut-wrenching than any memory Jacob could possibly conjure. Adding to the torture is that I am the monster - I am the one causing the pain now.

**::a.l.l.o::**

It was not easy to leave. It took everything within my being to walk out that front door. To say it was more difficult the second time around is laughable. It was impossible, sometimes I have to check to make sure I actually left - that I didn't dream it. I miss Edward every single day. There is a gaping hole in my chest where his heart once kept me warm.

Claire says this is normal, that I feel in pieces now but it will get easier. It makes me angry when she says things like that. I think words like pretentious, and clueless, and bitch as she peers at me over her dark-rimmed glasses and smiles that reassuring smile.

She also tells me that is good - to be angry with her, to express those feelings and not just let them reside. "Un-regarded feelings decay us from the inside out," she once said in that all-too calm voice of hers.

I've been seeing her weekly again for the past three months. When I moved back in with my mother that was one of her stipulations. I'd gone to her on my knees, groveling and explaining every dirty detail. Obviously she knew a little bit about what happened with Jake, but I never divulged the whole tale. Deep down I knew the first step was to tell someone who would listen the entire story, bare-bones and all. It was the first time I had recanted it like that aloud.

I'd told Edward the bulk of it, but generally left out how devastated things made me. My mother and I cried together and she held me like I was five-years-old again. It was the best I'd felt in a long time. Then she went and scheduled me an appointment with Claire and I almost strangled her.

After a long talk about my future, I came to the conclusion that she was right. I want to be fixed more than anything, and I know I can't do it alone. The stakes are extremely high for me this time around, because if I lose Edward I'll lose everything. This is something else Claire says frequently - that idolizing Edward so will pass with time.

On this I'm sticking to my guns. I don't care what she says; she just simply doesn't get it. I don't idolize Edward, I just know to the very core of my being what he means to me. The weight of it on my soul - it's not frivolous or silly. It won't be dampened with time, I can feel it already - our time apart is only strengthening what I feel for him, and the sooner I can figure my shit out, the sooner I can go back to him.

An owl hoots low and foreboding outside my window. I listen for a moment and hear the low whooshing of the ocean not far from our house. I think about the tide eroding away the earth with each pass, bit by bit, and how similar it is to what I've felt like for so many years. Lying back on my bed, I close my eyes and imagine my body as one with the waves. I'll no longer be the beach, I am the ocean and I am strong. I mumble to myself.

I can feel my body swaying, mimicking the motion of the waves, and I think of Edward. I can almost feel him with me, floating in the ocean. His fingers glide along the surface of the water and knit into mine. We glide together effortlessly. I can see his warm eyes, the way he looks at me with such devotion.

A tear slips along my hairline into my ear. I miss him so much. I miss the smell of his skin, the slightly rough pads of his finger tips - coarse from years of playing the guitar. I miss the little things about being with him. The way he would quirk a brow when I'd say something funny - or the laugh that seemed especially reserved for me. I never heard him laugh like that with anyone else.

There is a sudden intense urge to call him, hear his voice - the way my name sounds on his tongue. But I can't. I know without a doubt that if I hear his voice that will be it. I can't possibly stay away. Instead, I dig under my mattress and pull out the only thing I allowed myself to bring that was once his.

I rest the small black box on top of my knee and stare at it. A sad smile rests on my lips, my pointer finger glides against the crushed velvet. Inside this box is a promise - the closest thing I had to bringing Edward's heart with me.

The hinges whine gently as I lift the lid. The small rectangular diamond sparkles under the moon light which filters through my window. A blue haze with dancing purple and pink specs. It reminds me of the horizon when we climbed the cliff at First Beach. The blues and purples were unlike anything I'd seen in the sky, distinctive to that image alone.

The diamond presses into my finger as I pull it from its tight nesting place. Gingerly, I slide the ring just over the tip of my ring finger, admiring the possibilities. This is why I am here in Florida, _this_ - our future. One day I could be Mrs. Edward Cullen, and we could be happy - really, truly happy.

**::a.l.l.o::**

Today is not a good day. I went for a job interview and felt so inept that I had to hold back tears through most of it. I've never been good under pressure, and trying to present myself as valuable is something I am working on. It's one of the goals Claire has set for me. It was her suggestion to go for the job interview; especially, she said, since I was just loafing around my mother's house.

The job is working for a childcare center in the local county office of child services. I wouldn't have chosen working with kids necessarily, but Claire had a connection so she set the interview up. I was practically apologizing for wasting the woman's time by the end of the interview.

Then I stopped at the store to pick up supplies for dinner and ran into Seth of all people. I tried to pretend as if I hadn't heard him bellow my name down the aisle, but he's a persistent little shit. There are no hard feelings with him; however that didn't stop the warning bells blaring in my mind that he would tell Jacob he'd seen me.

Pulling the phone from my bag, I run my fingers along the buttons. I've fought these urges so frequently lately that I feel like an addict - only Edward is my drug of choice. It's been six months since I've spoken to him. I harbor a great deal of guilt that I haven't at the very least sent him an email, but Claire is insistent that I focus on myself.

My stomach rolls with the stress of my day. Frustration bubbles that there is one person in this whole, wide world that can make it all better and I can't speak to him. "Fuck Claire," I spit under my breath and hit one on my speed dial.

My eyes swim with tears suddenly at the realization of what I've done. The phone rings loudly in my ear; I dumbly press it there and rip my car onto the shoulder. I'm holding my breath fighting the miniature-sized Claire voice in my head ordering me to hang up.

"Hello," a rich, velvety voice engulfs my senses. I exhale silently.

"Hello?" He repeats.

"E-Edward," I whisper and the line goes deadly silent.

"Bella?" His voice breaks through delicately and the sound of my name is heartbreaking. I can hear so much in that one word, his pain, it's mine now - I've felt the entirety of it there. I smile with tears streaming down my cheeks then open my mouth to respond but am usurped by another voice - a female voice, laughing in the background.

My heart stops, my hands go cold and I feel as if I might pass out. Pulling the phone away from my ear I blink down at it in muddled confusion. I can hear Edward say my name again and hello. Stabbing the end button I throw the phone to the floor of my car as if it's bitten me. My body shakes intensely so that it blurs my vision. I press my face into the rough steering wheel and bawl. _He has moved on._ _It's what I wanted _- I try and remind myself. I've known he deserves better. The ache is raw and splintering. I pant against the ugly loud sobs that are choking me. It feels as if the earth tilts and I beg to be swallowed up by it. The future no longer matters - I have no future.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So, I said at the beginning that Bella's shiz is set in the past, but it has obviously caught up on the timeline. This is for a few reasons. Mainly because I'm only planning on having five parts to this story, so it is wrapping up. However, I haven't written part five yet … so we'll see if it ends up longer. But I can say for [pretty] sure this is the last bpov. That being said, I hope it's helped you to understand her better. I wrestled with how to tell this story so that you could really get where she is coming from and this ultimately seemed the best way to do it. But originally it was only supposed to be from Edward's point of view. ANYWAY, I will stop babbling. Thoughts? Review and let me know!**

**xx**

**Buff**

**P.S. I might have some evil ideas for this story, I might not - maybe it's predictable. What do YOU think is going to happen. *quirks villainous brow***


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